Brazil “Weekly” Round Up of Non-News 2


Jack Sparrow awaits the bus as I ponder the meaning of it all.

I am operating on Brazilian time for my weekly roundup. I am not apologizing for my lateness either.

The last few weeks have been exciting times in Brazil. Here is some of the non-news.

  • Whats App is deactivated in Brazil, forcing people to actually have to talk to each other while sitting across the table.
  • Not to be outdone by the Argentinians, who took selfies with a dead dolphin, Brazilian enjoy the beach with human corpses. The producers of Weekend at Bernie’s look on with interest.

  • Brazilian start up creates a Tinder for abandoned dogs. Thousands of single men sign up only to later realize it was actually meant for canines.
  • Protestors on Avenida Paulista urinate, defecate and spit on pictures of public officials. Those who have actually been spat on by same protestors thank them for their more symbolic gesture.

  • Olympic torch arrives in Brazil and confused traffickers run to the streets thinking that “the goods” have arrived.
  • Less than 100 days before the Olympics and some Brazilians are feeling uneasy about their chances of winning the synchronized swimming events.
  • Cunha is removed from his position as House Speaker as part of a corruption probe. He hurriedly looks for a successor to take over the mantle of “leader of the coup” before the left can nominate someone else.
  • Muggers upset over loss of easy income on soft targets after bike path in Rio collapses.
  • President Dilma goes on a North American “this is a coup” tour in just enough time to miss the raised IOF on the dollar exchange.

  • São Paulo experiences its first bouts of cold weather and people notice by commenting that it is cold.
  • Lula last seen hiding in a corner looking for his missing finger.
  • Cigarette prices go up again, proving that even killing yourself in Brazil is becoming economically inviable.
  • Deputy Jean Willis least seen masturbating over a picture of Deputy Bolsonaro in the name of democracy and repressed sexual desire. Bolsonaro tweets picture to his followers in the name of democracy … and repressed sexual desire.
  • Ten million people out of work ask that Brazilian Labour Day be reassigned as a day of mourning, and if possible, for it to fall on a weekday and not a damn Sunday!

That’s all the news for this week.

P. Ray

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