Brazil “Weekly” Round Up of Non-News

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A somewhat weekly roundup of all the Brazilian news that may or may not actually be news.

  • Culture: I’m starting a weekly roundup column on a Tuesday, following Brazilian logic guidelines.
  • Politics: The cast of “Dilma’s Impeachment Vote” set to make late show appearances later in the week.
  • Economy: My budget is tighter, as the memory of when I could get wasted on beer for under 50 Reais is driving me to drink more.
  • Economy: Mayor Fernando Haddad of São Paulo declares that car manufacturers are facing troubling times only because bicycles have become the preferred mode of transportation.
  • Culture: Famed television show host, Silvio Santos, beats impeachment hearing in the ratings. Proving that family dramas are no longer the preferred television format.
  • Science: Brazilian Bio-medic, Deborah Zanforlin, creates chip which can detect 18 types of cancer in 15 minutes. In response, public hospitals promise to trim waiting time for treatment from 8 months to only 6 months.
  • Politics: Congressman Jair Bolsonaro praises militant who tortured President Dilma Rousseff. President Dilma becomes both incensed and emotional as she cries on Castro’s shoulders.
  • Weather: No rain in São Paulo in the last weeks worries those who believe Governor Geraldo Alckmin was telling the truth when he lied about doing something to prevent another water shortage.
  • Politics: Angered by the lack of support during impeachment hearings, President Dilma punishes Brazilians by raising utilities prices as well as making huge cuts to health and education.
  • Personal: The longer I stay in Brazil the more I fear I will die in a suicide shower.
  • Culture: After following Brazilian politics, House of Cards writing staff decides to add aliens to next season’s storyline in order to maintain some form of fictitious credibility on their show.
  • Culture: Given Brazil’s current political and economic climate, The International Olympic Committee decide to change date of Rio’s Summer Olympics to a more favorable time – Summer 2007.
  • Crime: Greenpeace praises criminals who are robbing more on foot than in vehicles. Criminals complain that they can’t afford the gas money anymore, but accept the praise and take their wallets.
  • Politics: ISIS decides against attacking Brazil for fear they will be upstaged.
  • Politics: House Speaker, Eduardo Cunha, comes to mild realization that he isn’t as loved by the right as he believed he was. Seen crying in the bathroom.
  • Personal: Following Brazilian guidelines there is no guarantee that there will be a punctual weekly round up of non-news for next week.

Have a great holiday.

P. Ray

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